In as much as I write these posts to share with you and encourage you, they’re also for me too. I get the chance to look back at my posts, read them and to just appreciate and admire the journey, the growth and the changes that have taken place.
Emotional, mental and spiritual maturity the most I would say over the past year. Praise God lol.
I never really knew what my thirtieth would look like but I did have lots of ideas. I had envisioned so much: A huge 90s party, an air bnb, a private dinner, going on holiday, so many different thoughts and ideas but with the pandemic none of these were really feasible and to be totally honest I was so okay with it.
I prayed that I would be happy,not just on my actual birthday but on the days leading up to it and even after. I wanted to just be at ease and at peace in my heart and mind and God truly gave me that.
Birthdays can be a bit tricky because naturally when one gets older, they can start to think about the plans and landmarks they would have hoped to have reached, and it can cause one to feel inadequate and insecure if they haven’t necessarily reached those landmarks yet. I can definitely say that before my 29th birthday, although the actual day was absolutely amazing, the run up to it and even some of the aftermath was a pile of emotions.
Emotions I didn’t even really know how to express to be honest. But as I think back on it now, retrospect and hindsight can be a good thing, I realised and to be fair I was told at the time, that I was actually just heaping a whole lot of unnecessary pressure on myself.
I wasn’t where I would like to be financially, relationally (romantic) and career wise. I felt a bit lost. I realised that I had tied my sense of self to those things and because those things were not what I wanted or hoped they would be, I therefore was not doing good in life. That was how I translated it and that’s what came through in my countenance in the days leading up to my 29th.
But glory to God, this year, we are in a different place and telling a different story. That’s not to say I have achieved the things I have wanted but I have taken active steps to getting there, I have stepped out of my comfort zone, I have gained knowledge, I have been stretched but most importantly I have gained a deeper understanding of who God is. Knowing more about who God is has enabled my trust in Him to grow deeper and that has helped me believe more in the words I read daily.
I won’t lie and say that I’m fully there in terms of my identity in Christ, but I do know that I am much closer to knowing it and believing it than I was last year.
I’ve come to understand and embrace the journey as opposed to just wanting to reach the destination.
If you read my new year post, I quoted a lyric saying that my imperfections were a part of your plan and I really think that I’m starting to understand what that means for me.. keep posted to find out more in my next posts but in the mean time I’m grateful, I’m happy and I’m embracing 30!
Lots of love and thanks for staying on this journey with me
Bee Cee xxx