When you’re going through it, the aftermath: the questioning, the tears, the pain, you can’t see why… Even several months down the line you still may not be able to see why or to understand why or to even see how growth would have occured but one day the penny will drop and you may notice something… whether that’s a perspective change or a shift in attitude, something will be different and you may be able to attribute it to that experience you went through… that’s the beauty of hindsight and this is a little bit of my story…
Did I love him? Yes I did and there’s nothing that will ever take away from that. I loved him for what I knew love to be at that time. I loved him with my heart, my mind and my soul. Pause. With everything in me. Again I will pause.
You see that’s where my problem lay. I loved him too much. Is such a thing even possible you may ask? Well yes. I realised that it was, but by the time I could see past it all, it was too late. He was gone and I was left behind.
You know I thought that I had worked on this issue. I thought that things would be different now, but when the same thing keeps happening over and over again, you begin to see a common thread in all the situations, you start to question yourself…
Jack - left
Marcus - left
Will - left
Three different guys, all of them having no connection to each other but me. I was the common denominator in all of this and therefore it had to mean that I was the problem. Fair enough Jack, Marcus and Will had their own issues as well, but the fact is that the same thing has happened again - I’ve loved and I’ve lost.
Will I ever learn? Will I not see the mistakes I’ve made and work hard so as to not repeat them again? You see a lot of the time, I looked at the physical. I looked at the surface. I thought of the outer characteristics; the things that people can see.
“Make sure your hair is always laid girl, get your squat game on boo, be bold, be loud, be confident. Let them know you have arrived.” These were the things I focused on. These were the things I wanted to change in myself so as to change the status quo: ‘“he’s in my life, he’s out of my life, he’s in my life, he’s out of my life.”
Boy did I miss the trick… But again, this isn’t regret. This isn’t a sob sob, self pity, bring out the violins story where I want you to feel sorry for me. No. This is growth. This is change. I was bound by the words of the world that dictated to me what love should look like. I was thrown day in, day out images and words that oozed materialism and lust and because that’s what I fed myself, that’s what I started to believe. I saw women chasing after men, answering to their every whim, losing themselves to be called the girlfriend of a man who had several women at his beck and call and I believed, I thought that this was what I wanted for myself. All up until he came.
He was different. Different from any other man I had ever known. His discipline, his integrity and his character were inspiring. He was a guy of the faith. This was different to me. So I was already hooked. He was patient and he was kind. I appreciated that. I wasn’t used to it and I guess that’s where I tripped up. I started running before I could even walk. My heart had gone out way further then my head and before you knew it, I had given him my whole heart.
With Jack, Marcus and Will things were different. I had always been the one looking after them, picking up the pieces for them, but this time, he was there for me. There were times I tried to gain back control and I wouldn’t talk to him but it was utterly just pointless. I smile now when I think of the efforts I made to try and regain my composure. Oh Lord have mercy on me lol.
He left on a Thursday. We were supposed to meet at Costa for tea but he never turned up. He texted me though and said it was getting too much for him and he needed some time to breathe.
I didn’t cry. I didn’t cry for months actually. I don’t think it actually hit me until I tried to call him one day and I was terrified to speak to him because when he heard my voice, I could sense that he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I cried then. I cried for hours. My eyes were puffy the next morning but I could attribute it to tiredness seeing as I hadn’t slept anyway.
You’ll be glad to know that I don’t cry anymore. In fact I smile. Do I still love him? Yes of course and despite how it ended, I smile at the memories we shared and the things he taught me. What he taught me about love and what he taught me about myself. If we were still in communication I know he would be proud of the woman I’ve become today. It’s been a year and a half and so much has changed.
I’m not going to exaggerate and say that everything is perfect because it’s not but there has been a steady growth in me and I truly praise God for that. God took me way back to the root and to be honest with you I know God hasn’t finished with me on that front, but I was glad I took the Lord’s hand and made the first step with Him on this journey of wholeness, healing and restoration.
Going back to the foundation of it all was not easy. Coming to terms with my own insecurities and fears and how ugly traits reared their ugly heads in my relationships wasn’t nice to uncover at all, but it’s only when things are exposed that they can be dealt with and seen for what they truly are.
I loved the friendship I shared with him and for that I will forever be grateful. In my loving and losing him, I came to understand that only God should have the total heart, mind and soul place in my life. I came to understand that unless I have unpacked my baggage and aired out my dirty laundry, it will just keep piling up and the odours of the unwashed laundry will seep through, no matter how much perfume I try to use to mask it. I came to understand that it’s sometimes in the losing of something that a priceless gift is gained and ultimately, I came to understand the freedom of forgiveness and letting it go.
So like I said in the beginning, when you’re going through it and you’re trying to get past it, it’s hard to see any good that will come out of it all, but once you’ve allowed yourself to cry, once those tears have dried and once you’ve allowed God to pick you up again, He’ll begin to show you little things. A perspective change here, a mindset shift there, it doesn’t have to be a lot, but there is surely joy that comes in the morning.
A year and a half ago, I couldn’t do this but that’s the beauty of hindsight and the grace of the Lord. So yes I loved him and I lost him but I also gained more of God and embraced a new version of me and my heart is truly warm, full of love and fulfilled… I’ll be back soon but that’s a little bit of my story for now… That’s the beauty of hindsight